he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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