We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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