I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
