Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize