I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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