She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
God I need to hump something, right now.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
