Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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