Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
