Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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