Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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