I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
