tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
