When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
