What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
