I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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