I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
