I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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