theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
