Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize