I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
