I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize