Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
