I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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