She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
