Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
