awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
