Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
