I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
