when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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