You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
