Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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