your parents love me but you hate me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
