Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize