i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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