So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
