i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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