from now on my penis is your penis
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
