it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
