Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
