you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
