If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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