Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
