Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm too high and old for this...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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