i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
