Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I believe in your delicious
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize