just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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