Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
