I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
