stop calling my apartment porn island.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize
