I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
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