upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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