I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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