the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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