i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Mom said you looked used
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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