Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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