i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
