Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize