I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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