went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
