I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize