I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You ruined the universe
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
