ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
