Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize