I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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