Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
