The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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