What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
