I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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