when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
