Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
