So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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