she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
